Posts

Showing posts with the label overcoming fear

DREAM: Day Four New Year Writing Challenge with hope*writers

Image
I used to think dreaming was a bit like this photo, complete with similar results. I would exhale my dreams out into the world. They’d then catch in the wind . . . only to drift away, settle in the soil, and become someone else’s weed — a virtual nuisance to the ones who caught them. This mindset is directly related to what I shared about feeling like I am too much, therefore it is a natural progression for me to believe my dreams are also way too much. What I have so often neglected to do with my dreams is leave them in the capable grip of the Dreamgiver. My Jesus is perfectly able to fulfill those very dreams He has placed in my heart. However, I am guilty of holding on to them myself, squashing them with my toddler-like fists, and somehow wondering why I feel undervalued and forgotten when I still see myself so far away from my dreams coming to fruition. How do I stop this spiral of unfulfilled dreams from continuing? One way is to identify what dreams I am choosing

LIGHT: Day Two of hope*writers New Year Writing Challenge

Image
Light. I struggle with feeling anything but light. From as far back as I can remember, someone in my family has had a poor relationship with food. I grew up in a household of diets and closets full of all the seasonal clothes in addition to all the sizes for every season. My parents each had their own self-image battles that ran the opposite ends of the weight spectrum.  The number of times I saw anyone stop and admire the reflection in the mirror amounted to a handful in the 22 + years I primarily resided with my dear parents.  My self esteem and relationship with my own reflection was shaped by what was modeled for me. I saw the critical eye of my parents, internalized their statements to and about themselves, listened to their judgments, and I deduced a number of things that ultimately shaped my thinking about myself for the rest of my life: I said too much ( I was sassy from word one ) I ate too much ( I got to a point of hating the feeling of being full )

Day #6 hope*writers Fall Writing Challenge: TRANSFORM

Image
Day 6 hope*writers Fall Writing Challenge: TRANSFORM ___________________________ Not sure of your routine in reading Instagram posts/captions, but if you don’t normally swipe first then read — do that now.  Okay, so I was originally going to briefly discuss the transformation that takes place when you add a dollop of whipped cream to an ordinary bonus half cup of Saturday morning coffee.  It was delicious and took on a celebratory feeling just with a tiny phsssht from the can! Then I was going to wax eloquently on how easily we can now transform anything we publish here on IG with the simple press of a filter button (refer back to photos of me and Poppy)  ️ While that is fascinating for about a millisecond, then realized this exercise was about how writing itself has transformed me.  🤦🏻‍♀️ Ah! That’s sometimes easy and sometimes tough to nail down.  Writing in its purest sense gives me a voice. I’m an introvert, and I have a subtle but wicked sense

hope*writers Fall Writing Challenge Day 4 -- FOLLOW

Image
I often feel like this. I try to stand out but end up wanting to disappear altogether. If you mention the word "follow" I cringe. Though leading is far from my jam, I am not a great follower or one I think you'd want to follow. I often fade away entirely when called on to step forward to a place with everyone's eyes on me. I hear I need to have a "following" as a working writer who wants to eventually publish anything you can hold in your hands in book form, and I immediately hear this chorus of taunts rise up in unison and then break out in solos from within the fluff of my brain: You've made too many mistakes for anyone to follow you. You're divorced for goodness' sake. Why would anyone listen to what you have to say? You're too old. You're broken. You're messed up. You're not pretty enough. You're not thin enough. You're too much. You're not enough . . . From my perspective, I fall short in so

hope*writer Life Fall Writing Challenge -- ANGLE

Image
Have you ever just wanted to take a photo from another angle? I know I have. For whatever reason I think it will be more flattering, more easily viewable, gentler somehow to my sometimes fragile spirit. Some days are that way as well. I've been having one of those today. I'd like to just be able to look at it from a different angle and have it not ache so much deep down in my soul -- that place I rarely if ever go with y'all. It started this morning while trolling through Instagram stories and Emily is sharing snippets from today's "Next Right Thing" podcast. I'm literally slayed by the first strains of the "Friends" theme song today. ( still haven't been able to go back and listen to the whole episode . . .  but I will. ) It's the 25th anniversary week of the premiere, apparently. I remember exactly where I was the first time I watched it and its companion/neighbor "Mad About You" with newlyweds, Paul and Jamie B

Thursday Thanks Tank

Image
( a time to intentionally redirect my gaze and give testimony to the ways God blesses me) I spoke briefly last Thursday about the sacrifice of praise.  "Through him then let us continually  of fer up a  sacrifice of   praise  to God, that is, the fruit  of  lips that acknowledge his name." Hebrews 13:15 ESV I am keenly aware of the way I currently look on paper. How the numbers DO NOT add up. How my month is exceeding my wealth financially. I have gotten more "no's" than the one "yes" I have longed to hear. Yet in all this, I know that I know God is still Who He says He is. God can STILL do what He says He can do. I am still who He says I am. His Word is STILL alive and active in me, my life, and in that of those lives around me who believe in Him, too.  So, though at moments throughout ALL of the last few days, weeks, and yes, months now since I have been employed in a full time fashion, I have felt slayed, abandoned, is

Kindred Spirit Friends

Image
We all have an inherent need to be known. We're created for community. Camaraderie. Kinship. Kindred spirits .  Whatever you call it and whatever personality type or Enneagram number you may be; none of us were created to be perpetual loners. I am an introvert (INFP) by design and find it difficult to put myself out there, because extended periods of time with people, especially people I don't know very well wear me out.  I am your classic "drained by others" kind of gal. I  can  make small talk. I have lots of experience with it. But if I am forced to chat inanely for hours or for multiple events night after night, I come home emotionally, mentally, and physically blitzed--desiring my pajamas ( sounds like llamas ), a cup of tea, a blanket, and sometimes a dimly lit room. On the other hand, I  do  find myself lonely at times and longing to be known by someone, anyone, ( maybe not just anyone ) but you know what I mean. I seek to find that person who will ta

Be Silent So He Can Speak

Image
So yesterday's verse was about calling on the Lord. (Psalm 145:18) I mentioned at the end of my short post that it's a conversation. A little fact I routinely forget when it comes to my relationship with Jesus.  Let's trek back a few years to my initial call out to Him. I was drawn to the Lord listening to a guest speaker at youth group retreat a couple of weeks after my 14th birthday. I managed to hear God's tender whisper in the midst of playing goofy games like "Sardines", singing the likes of  "Pass It On" and an early Amy Grant favorite  "My Father's Eyes" , and stuffing ourselves with the first of many batches of  peanut butter "retreat" fudge my mom made for more than ten years of such events. If I'm really honest, I don't think I fully got the picture of what I had done until much later. I took some tiny baby steps. I started reading my Bible. I went to youth group, church, choir, bell choir, and e

Now You've Gone and Done It

Image
Awakened early this morning with a combination of chaotic sounds drilling a veritable drum beat in my head. The bondage to coffee is awakening a beast within and the mixed tape tripping inside my brain simultaneously crows "Jesus, Name Above All Names" and Katy Perry's "Hot 'n Cold" , of all things. I try to squelch the second in favor of the first, all the while reminding myself whose I am and that fear need not be my master . . . again today. The sweat pours, I right myself on the only side that doesn't send shooting pains, and I am jarred into full consciousness with my heart in my throat and its wildly tapping an oddly mingled tempo. What is already true today? I am unemployed. I am 52. My son did not graduate last night with his classmates. My daughters do not live under my roof anymore. I am an artist. I am divorced. I am in pain. Constant pain. I am still a believer in spite of all that threatens to cause me to stray. I am sinful. I am fallible.